Dear Friends,
It has been a very full week and a half. I can hardly believe that that much time has already passed. This has been a good place to spend time. Living here is a far cry from living alone, as I have these last two years, and I’m enjoying the company of over fifty squirmy, laughing kids.
We’re kept to a pretty rigorous schedule here, though. Raising at 5:45. Breakfast of kimchee and rice. Teaching, walking kids to school, and watching babies in the morning. Just before a lunch of kimchee and rice, I usually manage to squeeze in a ten minute shower. If one can say ‘shower’ of crouching on the bathroom floor, and using a little scoop to pour water over oneself from a bucket. We have a little bit of free time in the afternoon, and after that more teaching. Then dinner of guess what. Yup, kimchee and rice. Bed time is around 10:30, at which time we roll out our thin mats on the linoleum floor, hang up our mosquito nets, and sleep like the dead until the morning sunlight streaming in the windows wakes us to another day.
It’s really not as bad as it sounds, though, when one has grown accustomed. I really enjoy being with the kids, so except for the language barrier (which still exists…will I ever be fluent?), spending time with them is more relaxing than it is stressful. And, aside from rising with the sun, I don’t mind having a rigid schedule. I think that it has helped me to adjust more quickly than I would have, had I been left to myself.
I get Friday evenings and Sundays off. I would probably stick around here and kick my feet up, if there was a place to do that. But the only places to sit are on small, plastic chairs, or the linoleum floor. So on Friday evenings I slip a book into my purse and hike (we live part way up a mountain) to a coffee shop. And on Sunday, after church, I take a bus to the house of a friend who’s gone all day, and crash on the couch.
The dorm where I’m living also houses eight high school girls and the dorm mom. I share a room with another summer volunteer, a Korean American girl named Ye-Kyung. She and I get along well, and have become friends very quickly. Perhaps that’s inevitable to two people thrust simultaneously into the same unfamiliar environment.
I have to take off to teach another class. But I’m glad that I got the time to fill you all in a little bit on where I am and what I’m doing. I hope to be able to write again soon. Meanwhile, all my love,
Elisabeth
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
A Little Bit Discouraged
Hi Sisters,
It’s been a long day, and I can think of no one I’d rather spill my guts on than you. I’ve been feeling a little bit discouraged, lately.
It’s difficult still being so unable to speak in Korean. I feel like a two year old, most of the time. It’s unbelievable to me that I can have put so much effort and time into learning, and yet still feel like I’m back at the very beginning. Ye-Kyung has to translate for me way too often. And when she’s not around, my own communication is laborious and slow. I can’t even begin to tell you how discouraging that is for me. This morning I shut myself in my room and cried, because I feel like these last two years, and the sweat, and loneliness, and time have all been so pointless. I want so badly to be able to speak this language. I want so badly to be a generous, compassionate person. I want to connect with the kids here. I want to interact with the staff. I didn’t drag myself through two years of language school to be sitting here today, still unable to interact beyond the most surface level topics.
It’s okay, if God can use it. I really, really feel that with my whole heart. If God is excited about my non-Korean, and non-ministry, and non-strength, then so am I. But…then why did He ask me to come? Why has He taken so much away from me? Why has he asked me to give Him my family and my home and my language? Why do I have to eat kimchee and rice three times a day, and sleep on the floor, and use a bucket and scoop to shower? Why can’t I have my beautiful mountains, and stars, and river, and ocean? Why can’t I just have stayed home and gotten married and had two and a half kids? Why must all I have come from all that I love, to the farthest place from it on the face of the earth? Even this whole Mongolia idea is a little bit of a slap in the face. I feel adrift and disoriented and tired.
I think about Doss and Deb a lot. Maybe because there are so many kids around to remind me of them. It’s so hard to be missing them growing up. It’s hard not knowing when I’ll see them again, and feeling so disconnected from their lives. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much, and now I ask myself why? So that I could learn Korean? So that I could minister to people? So that I could help Enkoreans? I haven’t succeeded in any of that, and I can’t help feeling like I’ve absolutely failed. And in that failure, like I’ve given up every precious thing, in exchange for nothing. I think that I haven’t been so discouraged since coming to Korea.
It’s funny, even as I write the above, my heart begs God not to give up on me just yet. I want to work with Him in Asia. I want so much to be with Him where He is, among the sick and poor and hungry. But here I am, sloshing through the mud, because I can’t wrap my mind around this stupid language, and because I’m trapped on the outside of a country that holds the people that God and I love.
So here I am: tired, discouraged, and frustrated. Maybe a little bit angry. Maybe a little bit afraid. But wanting to let go of having to be successful, both in ministry and in the language. I don’t want to be holding on to either of those things like this. I know that the problem lies not with God, but in my heart. And God continues to be patient and to shape me. Funny, I know that that is what this is, right now. I know that I’m being pressed and shaped, and that God has a purpose. It’s not pleasant, but I can hold my head up and move forward when I know that God has a purpose.
Please be praying for me. It’s far too easy to think about going home and never again doing anything that I don’t want to do.
Thank you so much for the pictures that you’ve sent, too. I can’t tell you how much pleasure it brings me to be able to see familiar people and places!
I love you. And after all of the above: I’m doing okay, because God is good. Really good.
Me
It’s been a long day, and I can think of no one I’d rather spill my guts on than you. I’ve been feeling a little bit discouraged, lately.
It’s difficult still being so unable to speak in Korean. I feel like a two year old, most of the time. It’s unbelievable to me that I can have put so much effort and time into learning, and yet still feel like I’m back at the very beginning. Ye-Kyung has to translate for me way too often. And when she’s not around, my own communication is laborious and slow. I can’t even begin to tell you how discouraging that is for me. This morning I shut myself in my room and cried, because I feel like these last two years, and the sweat, and loneliness, and time have all been so pointless. I want so badly to be able to speak this language. I want so badly to be a generous, compassionate person. I want to connect with the kids here. I want to interact with the staff. I didn’t drag myself through two years of language school to be sitting here today, still unable to interact beyond the most surface level topics.
It’s okay, if God can use it. I really, really feel that with my whole heart. If God is excited about my non-Korean, and non-ministry, and non-strength, then so am I. But…then why did He ask me to come? Why has He taken so much away from me? Why has he asked me to give Him my family and my home and my language? Why do I have to eat kimchee and rice three times a day, and sleep on the floor, and use a bucket and scoop to shower? Why can’t I have my beautiful mountains, and stars, and river, and ocean? Why can’t I just have stayed home and gotten married and had two and a half kids? Why must all I have come from all that I love, to the farthest place from it on the face of the earth? Even this whole Mongolia idea is a little bit of a slap in the face. I feel adrift and disoriented and tired.
I think about Doss and Deb a lot. Maybe because there are so many kids around to remind me of them. It’s so hard to be missing them growing up. It’s hard not knowing when I’ll see them again, and feeling so disconnected from their lives. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much, and now I ask myself why? So that I could learn Korean? So that I could minister to people? So that I could help Enkoreans? I haven’t succeeded in any of that, and I can’t help feeling like I’ve absolutely failed. And in that failure, like I’ve given up every precious thing, in exchange for nothing. I think that I haven’t been so discouraged since coming to Korea.
It’s funny, even as I write the above, my heart begs God not to give up on me just yet. I want to work with Him in Asia. I want so much to be with Him where He is, among the sick and poor and hungry. But here I am, sloshing through the mud, because I can’t wrap my mind around this stupid language, and because I’m trapped on the outside of a country that holds the people that God and I love.
So here I am: tired, discouraged, and frustrated. Maybe a little bit angry. Maybe a little bit afraid. But wanting to let go of having to be successful, both in ministry and in the language. I don’t want to be holding on to either of those things like this. I know that the problem lies not with God, but in my heart. And God continues to be patient and to shape me. Funny, I know that that is what this is, right now. I know that I’m being pressed and shaped, and that God has a purpose. It’s not pleasant, but I can hold my head up and move forward when I know that God has a purpose.
Please be praying for me. It’s far too easy to think about going home and never again doing anything that I don’t want to do.
Thank you so much for the pictures that you’ve sent, too. I can’t tell you how much pleasure it brings me to be able to see familiar people and places!
I love you. And after all of the above: I’m doing okay, because God is good. Really good.
Me
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Back in South Korea
Dear Friends,
It's good to be back in South Korea!
My trip to China was a good one. I got some much needed rest, and had a lot of fun meeting new people, seeing new places and visiting with Titus and Ruth. For having been there a month, though, I really don't have a lot to say. The reason I went was just to get a break, and how much can one say about rest? It was fun to explore the neighborhood that I was in, and to go shopping, and to try out a veeeery little bit of Chinese with the taxi drivers.
Actually, having to play charades for a month made me really appreciate how much Korean I can speak. It's good to be back in a country where I understand most of what's going on around me, and know my way about, and can understand the culture.
I came directly from the airport, on Monday, to Namsan Childrens' Home, where I'll be living for the next two months. It's a busy place, with 50 plus kids running around. I'll be working with another volunteer over the summer, and our main responsibility will be English teaching (surprise!).
Since it's only been three days (and also, because I have to take off), I don't have that much to say. Hopefully next time I write, I'll have more news for you all. Mostly I just wanted to touch bases and let you all know that I'm still alive and doing well! Thank you for your prayers!
Elisabeth
It's good to be back in South Korea!
My trip to China was a good one. I got some much needed rest, and had a lot of fun meeting new people, seeing new places and visiting with Titus and Ruth. For having been there a month, though, I really don't have a lot to say. The reason I went was just to get a break, and how much can one say about rest? It was fun to explore the neighborhood that I was in, and to go shopping, and to try out a veeeery little bit of Chinese with the taxi drivers.
Actually, having to play charades for a month made me really appreciate how much Korean I can speak. It's good to be back in a country where I understand most of what's going on around me, and know my way about, and can understand the culture.
I came directly from the airport, on Monday, to Namsan Childrens' Home, where I'll be living for the next two months. It's a busy place, with 50 plus kids running around. I'll be working with another volunteer over the summer, and our main responsibility will be English teaching (surprise!).
Since it's only been three days (and also, because I have to take off), I don't have that much to say. Hopefully next time I write, I'll have more news for you all. Mostly I just wanted to touch bases and let you all know that I'm still alive and doing well! Thank you for your prayers!
Elisabeth
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