I have to remind myself frequently, these days, that I'm not just throwing my life away over here. Somehow that thought keeps coming back to discourage me, "You've been in Korean since you were twenty-two!" my mind shouts at me, "And now you're nearly twenty-five! What have you got to show for it?! So you can speak Korean better than the average westerner - what of it? The chances of you being able ever to use it in the way you anticipate are so slim as to be absurd. And, meanwhile, here you are, throwing away the best years of your life!" And then it shrugs and shakes it's head at me in a pitying sort of way. All I can do is try to ignore it and pray, but even that resource is so evasive sometimes... But, however futile my present course sometimes seems, this one thing I know: God sees and understands that, foolish or otherwise, the life that I have turned my back on was set aside for love of Him. My course may be ill advised, my direction purposeless, but like the widow's two mites, it is all I have, and it has been given to God. If He chooses not to use it, that is His business. At least He may know that I love Him.
Please pray that God will give me courage.
Elisabeth
Monday, October 20, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
There are Always Quiet Moments
My Dear Sister,
I have a dozen people to write to, and four pages of dialog to memorize for the upcoming interview, but my mind is too tired to keep going. So I'm emailing you before I go to bed, which is relaxing, because I don't have to think about what I write.
...I hope I don't dream of Korean again tonight. Last night I dreamed that I kept double and triple booking myself, promising to study with people who were trying to prepare for different language tests, and always, pressing on the back of my mind, was the knowledge that I needed to study for my own, too. It was stressful.
My last fish is better. I was certain that he was going to die, but after several inactive days, he rallied himself, and is back to moving pebbles from one side of the tank to the other. That's one good thing that happened this week.
Another good thing took place on Monday night. I was on my way home, at ten o'clock, after a long day of just about everything you can imagine, and I passed a water fountain near the Sogang language building. It beckoned me, so I sat on one of the square stones beside it, while I waited for the traffic light to give me permission to cross the street. I watched the brightly lit water spill over lips of slate, and dash playfully into the frothy pool below. The light flashed green, and then red again, and still I watched the water. It was so calming. That water fountain has become rather a habit with me. It's loud enough that, if I sit very close, it drowns out the noise of the traffic and the people. And sometimes I forget that they're there at all. It's probably the only place in the city where I can pray out loud without being overheard, and I pray every time I sit by it. This time I prayed for a girl that I had passed just moments before, who had been walking down the street crying. And then I just sat and thought about God for a while. It's amazing how such a little thing can be so calming. I only stayed for five minutes or so; I'm never there long. I hadn't had time to eat dinner yet, but I was so very tired by the time I stepped through my front door, that I just grabbed a few rolls and a slice of processed cheese (yuck!), turned off the light, got into bed, and fell asleep as I ate.
Yesterday was pretty similar to Monday. It's because of these midterms. On Friday we have what is called an interview, but is really just groups of two, each presenting three five-minute dialogs on given topics, using specific grammar patterns. The three topics will be chosen at random from eight, so it's eight that we have to create and memorize. I'm good with winging it. But I have a Japanese partner, and she wants to have the dialogs down to perfection. She doesn't study as much as I, because Korean to the Japanese is as Spanish is to the English speaker. So she has a lot of time to give to the interview. I don't, but I know what it's like to study with a person who doesn't care to put as much into the final results as I do myself, so I'm trying to give her as much time as she needs. That's adding up to about three precious hours a day. So I study for two hours before school, attend class from ten to one, come home for one and a half hours of study over lunch, go back to school and prep with Liae till 5:30, then either come back home to study until bed time or go out to meet someone. Then I go to bed with my dinner. That's my schedule until Friday.
And if you were here, I'd tell you about my attitude toward my reading teacher, and you'd challenge me. That thought makes me smile. *sigh* I'm sure she's a fine person. If I was explaining it in Korean, I'd say 'it's just that our personalities don't match.' I find her teaching style so abrasive that I totally shut down during reading class. I try to engage for the first five minutes or so, but I quickly become so stressed by her, that I implode. My thoughts begin to fall apart, and then I begin to panic, and suddenly my mind freezes. And there I am for the rest of the hour. I stumble through it in sort of a daze, trying not to listen to her voice, because it makes me feel chaotic, and hoping that I won't be called on to answer any questions. When the time comes for us to discuss amongst ourselves the passages that we've read, I try to appear enthusiastic, because it's demoralizing to be studying with someone who lacks interest in what's going on. But inside my heart is in my stomach, because I know that I'll have to go home and set aside more time to re-study on my own what I ought to have learned in that waisted hour of class.
I only got 75% on the reading midterms, by the way. That's forty percent of my final grade. I had hoped to do well enough to help cover for the finals...but that seems not to have been God's plan. I'm okay with that. It makes me feel tired, but I don't feel pressured by it at all. I'll find out how I did in the other subjects on Friday.
I bought a Korean Bible for Doshiae, my Japanese friend. She's studying Korean, too, so I thought that it would be appropriate. Sister, I do want to see happiness in her eyes! I'm going to be seeing her again in a week, and until then I'm praying over the Bible every day, because I want the words in it to come alive to her.
My back has been hurting tremendously lately. And I'm fighting a cold, so I"m very tired. But at least I'm fighting it, eh?
I am glad that my fish is still alive.
As busy as I've been, and as pressured as I've felt, there are always quiet moments in which to settle my mind. Each morning, before the sun is up, I wash dishes, and the warm, soapy water is relaxing. Whenever I blow out the candle that I have frequently lit, I sit quietly and watch the smoke until it disappears. While the earth exists, there will always be time to watch candle smoke. Every day I have a few moments with the waterfall, while I'm waiting to cross the street, after school lets out. And every night, while I'm waiting for sleep to come, the silence wraps me up and holds me close. And, because He somehow loves me, God always draws my mind to Himself during these times of stillness, so that I feel closer to Him now than I often have when nothing else distracts.
I'm so amazingly tired.
And I love you amazingly, too.
Thank you for listening to my thoughts.
me
I have a dozen people to write to, and four pages of dialog to memorize for the upcoming interview, but my mind is too tired to keep going. So I'm emailing you before I go to bed, which is relaxing, because I don't have to think about what I write.
...I hope I don't dream of Korean again tonight. Last night I dreamed that I kept double and triple booking myself, promising to study with people who were trying to prepare for different language tests, and always, pressing on the back of my mind, was the knowledge that I needed to study for my own, too. It was stressful.
My last fish is better. I was certain that he was going to die, but after several inactive days, he rallied himself, and is back to moving pebbles from one side of the tank to the other. That's one good thing that happened this week.
Another good thing took place on Monday night. I was on my way home, at ten o'clock, after a long day of just about everything you can imagine, and I passed a water fountain near the Sogang language building. It beckoned me, so I sat on one of the square stones beside it, while I waited for the traffic light to give me permission to cross the street. I watched the brightly lit water spill over lips of slate, and dash playfully into the frothy pool below. The light flashed green, and then red again, and still I watched the water. It was so calming. That water fountain has become rather a habit with me. It's loud enough that, if I sit very close, it drowns out the noise of the traffic and the people. And sometimes I forget that they're there at all. It's probably the only place in the city where I can pray out loud without being overheard, and I pray every time I sit by it. This time I prayed for a girl that I had passed just moments before, who had been walking down the street crying. And then I just sat and thought about God for a while. It's amazing how such a little thing can be so calming. I only stayed for five minutes or so; I'm never there long. I hadn't had time to eat dinner yet, but I was so very tired by the time I stepped through my front door, that I just grabbed a few rolls and a slice of processed cheese (yuck!), turned off the light, got into bed, and fell asleep as I ate.
Yesterday was pretty similar to Monday. It's because of these midterms. On Friday we have what is called an interview, but is really just groups of two, each presenting three five-minute dialogs on given topics, using specific grammar patterns. The three topics will be chosen at random from eight, so it's eight that we have to create and memorize. I'm good with winging it. But I have a Japanese partner, and she wants to have the dialogs down to perfection. She doesn't study as much as I, because Korean to the Japanese is as Spanish is to the English speaker. So she has a lot of time to give to the interview. I don't, but I know what it's like to study with a person who doesn't care to put as much into the final results as I do myself, so I'm trying to give her as much time as she needs. That's adding up to about three precious hours a day. So I study for two hours before school, attend class from ten to one, come home for one and a half hours of study over lunch, go back to school and prep with Liae till 5:30, then either come back home to study until bed time or go out to meet someone. Then I go to bed with my dinner. That's my schedule until Friday.
And if you were here, I'd tell you about my attitude toward my reading teacher, and you'd challenge me. That thought makes me smile. *sigh* I'm sure she's a fine person. If I was explaining it in Korean, I'd say 'it's just that our personalities don't match.' I find her teaching style so abrasive that I totally shut down during reading class. I try to engage for the first five minutes or so, but I quickly become so stressed by her, that I implode. My thoughts begin to fall apart, and then I begin to panic, and suddenly my mind freezes. And there I am for the rest of the hour. I stumble through it in sort of a daze, trying not to listen to her voice, because it makes me feel chaotic, and hoping that I won't be called on to answer any questions. When the time comes for us to discuss amongst ourselves the passages that we've read, I try to appear enthusiastic, because it's demoralizing to be studying with someone who lacks interest in what's going on. But inside my heart is in my stomach, because I know that I'll have to go home and set aside more time to re-study on my own what I ought to have learned in that waisted hour of class.
I only got 75% on the reading midterms, by the way. That's forty percent of my final grade. I had hoped to do well enough to help cover for the finals...but that seems not to have been God's plan. I'm okay with that. It makes me feel tired, but I don't feel pressured by it at all. I'll find out how I did in the other subjects on Friday.
I bought a Korean Bible for Doshiae, my Japanese friend. She's studying Korean, too, so I thought that it would be appropriate. Sister, I do want to see happiness in her eyes! I'm going to be seeing her again in a week, and until then I'm praying over the Bible every day, because I want the words in it to come alive to her.
My back has been hurting tremendously lately. And I'm fighting a cold, so I"m very tired. But at least I'm fighting it, eh?
I am glad that my fish is still alive.
As busy as I've been, and as pressured as I've felt, there are always quiet moments in which to settle my mind. Each morning, before the sun is up, I wash dishes, and the warm, soapy water is relaxing. Whenever I blow out the candle that I have frequently lit, I sit quietly and watch the smoke until it disappears. While the earth exists, there will always be time to watch candle smoke. Every day I have a few moments with the waterfall, while I'm waiting to cross the street, after school lets out. And every night, while I'm waiting for sleep to come, the silence wraps me up and holds me close. And, because He somehow loves me, God always draws my mind to Himself during these times of stillness, so that I feel closer to Him now than I often have when nothing else distracts.
I'm so amazingly tired.
And I love you amazingly, too.
Thank you for listening to my thoughts.
me
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