Dear Sister,

I’m going to begin by sharing a journal entry that I wrote several days ago, just so you can have an idea what it was that I was praying about last night.

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I have found it difficult to reconcile myself with the idea of returning home permanently. I haven’t been discouraged or tired or depressed. My heart is well. It is my mind which is pulled nearly in two. Every conviction that brought me over to Korea in the first place is still there. Nothing has changed: N. Koreans still live and die in abject poverty, workers continue to be scarce, and God’s voice still whispers “Do you love Me? Feed My sheep.”

“Did not He that made me in the womb make him?” Job demanded, “and did not one fashion us in the womb?... If I have eaten my morsel myself alone, and the fatherless hath not eaten thereof…If I have seen any perish for want of clothing, or any poor without covering; If his loins have not blessed me, and if he were not warmed with the fleece of my sheep…” Then what? “…Then let mine arm fall from my shoulder blade, and mine arm be broken from the bone.”

I read missionary stories which challenge me not to give up, and hear sermons which charge me to be strong, and have conversations that leave my mind spinning with the knowledge that it is they who hold on to their dreams in times of darkest uncertainty who are the winners. My own mind and heart throw me over to the ‘persevere at all costs’ camp; this has been the mentality that I’ve grown up with, and by which I’ve made the most difficult choices of my live – until now.

Now, though my heart is quiet, my mind is in agony. Does God want His church to minister to the unreached and suffering? Yes. I strongly believe: Yes. Why do I think that I am now somehow excused from the front lines of that work? Is my personal life with God really more important than the lives of eleven million N. Koreans? More important enough that I should consider going back to the States to develop it, while they die in darkness?

My mind churns, and I cannot help weeping at what I cannot understand: they will die, and I will go home. I will go home, while they die. I will leave them to their death with a quiet heart and a burning mind, and they will all die. I cannot understand. Perhaps if there where were an army of people vying to help, then I might stand back in peace. But the help is so small, and now it is less, and the people keep on dying, and my heart continues to be still, and I cannot understand. What is there to do but weep and weep and weep, until there are no tears left to cry?

I beg God to correct me, if I have heard Him wrong. If I am listening not to His voice, but to my own heart, I plead with Him to turn me back. Meanwhile, I remind myself that God loves each individual in N. Korea dearly, and it is He Who will save them, and not I. “The Lord is our Judge, the Lord is our Lawgiver, the Lord is our King; He will save us.” (Is 33:22)

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Last night I just tried to tell God what has been on my mind: the wrestling between stopping and going forward. The wrestling between staying in Korea and returning to America. As I prayed, the pressure became very great. I think I’m supposed to return home…but what if that’s wrong?

I wanted to pray, but all I could whisper, over and over again, was, “Keep me. Keep me.” God understood that my heart was begging Him to keep me on the right path, regardless of which direction I head, and to not allow my decisions to take me anywhere other than where He wants me.

After a while I sat up and opened my Bible at random. I read the first verse that my eyes fell on, “He that keepeth thee will not slumber.” My heart leaped. It was such a specific answer. I continued to read.

“Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.” (Psa 121:4-8)

Could there have been a more direct answer or a more beautiful promise given? God, Who keeps me, will not sleep; He will preserve my going out and my coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore. He has pledged Himself to it.

I can return to the States in peace.

Thank you for being interested in my life’s dramas. =) I love you, and I hope that all made sense.

See you soon!
Elisabeth