Running and Running

Dear Sister,

I have a half-dozen important emails to reply to, and a late dinner to eat, but your email beckons me, and I must 'talk' to you a bit.

I miss you. I have never longed to be home more utterly and completely. My heart is there already, and my body feverishly aches to join it. No reservations. No hesitation. I would take off running toward you now, if I thought it would get me there any faster.

Meanwhile, my mind has absolutely shut off. I have never experienced this before. Weariness, frustration, confusion, overwhelmed-ness; these have all had my mind in their powerful grips before, but never have they so completely razed. When one dashes uphill until his legs burn and his lungs explode, then still keeps running and running, there comes a point where his body must collapse, no matter how close to the top he is. The strongest will in the world cannot prevent it. Two days ago my mind turned to lead, and try as I would, I could not make it go on. It was simply done with contorting and stretching and running and running. In a desperate attempt to lighten its load, hoping that it might be able to pick itself back up and scrape through just one more week, I spoke to my teacher on Tuesday, three class days before my finals, and told her that I was going to drop out of writing class. She was disappointed, no less was I, but there was no other way of going forward.

Or so I though. God seemed to think otherwise, though. The next morning it occurred to me that I hadn't consulted God about my decision. I had simply reacted with something of a natural instinct for survival. I didn't suppose that God would object to my decision, but I decided that I ought at least to give Him a chance to so, if He should want to. So I told Him what I'd done, finishing with, 'Can I just leave it as is?' Sitting quietly for a bit, then, it seemed to me that I had God's permission, but not necessarily His blessing, to do as I wanted. Considering it, I saw that to submit 50 hours of accredited class time, when all that was needed to secure them was three more days of class and one test, would be foolishness. But this left me utterly nonplused. While to stop would be foolish, to continue was impossible.

Then something struck me: Often I have been brought to an end of my own ability to perform physically, so that I have had to lean on God and on His physical strength alone. Often, also, I have been brought to an end of my ability to perform spiritually, and here again God has filled in with His own spiritual strength. But this is the first time I've ever reached an end of my mental strength. I've no doubt that God has brought me here because He wants me to depend on Him in this area, too. Very well. I need not lighten my load, because God is not confounded. I need simply to lean against Him, and let Him do what He will.

So I went to writing class again this morning, to my teacher's amusement, and felt just as dead and heavy as ever. But God will pull us through. He always does.

That's my story. I don't know whether I'll pass my finals or not. I tend to philosophically categorize, "I suppose I will; one does." Either way, I just pray that God will carry me through the next few days of my life, and that I will learn to depend on Him utterly.

If you feel inclined to pray for me, I won't object...

I love you tremendously,
Jonny-Jo