He will Have His way

Naomi,

I've a plane ticket for the 10th of June. I don't know if that's my departure date, arrival date, or (since I'll be crossing the international date line) both. My return flight is set for August 20th, but that's a changeable ticket, so that date is just a tentative guess.

Okay, lets see how much of the history of this last week I can fit into this email, before three o'clock.


Up until just a week ago (the 20th, to be exact), I had been planning, after some prayer (thought none of it very whole-hearted, you know...I think I was more running my already-plans before God, than asking Him what He wanted me to do), on definitely coming home, this summer.

Last Wednesday (did you know that I hate Wednesdays? Always have.) Mom sent me an email, letting me know how much I had in my CD acct. at Sterling. I was startled to find that the CD contained about $8000 less than I'd supposed. Immediately I began looking through and adding up how much I've spent so far, and (based on that) how much more I'll need to complete all six levels at Sogang. As it turned out, even if I decided not to come home, I would only have enough to get through level five. Coming home would cut that down to level four. Which, of course, threw all my plans into absolute confusion.

My first reaction was to cut down on every expense not absolutely essential. Since I already live frugally, the only thing else to do was to turn off my heat and cancel my internet connection (which former I did a week ago, and which latter I'll do this afternoon). Also, of course, I called home, and told them not to be expecting me.

But, even though I didn't have any idea of really coming back, at that point, I found that I couldn't get it out of my heart. I began to pray about it more seriously, and for this last week have been under more pressure and prey to more anxiety than I have since being in Korea this second time.

After a few days of feckless indecision, I wrote an email (at Beka's suggestion, bless her!) to the elders at Camas, which I also forwarded to Sharri and to Dad. In it I stated some of the pros (recuperation, refocus, and preparation for another nine months, as well as the opportunity to get to know the Camas Church better) and cons (lack of resources) of coming home, ending with,

"While I was praying about it, yesterday, it occurred to me that I just don't know enough to be able to make a wise decision. Everything is uncertainty and supposition, and I'm a little bit afraid that my own desires will get in the way of me hearing God clearly, or recognizing what He wants me to do in this case."

Travis and Tim both wrote back, advising me (for their various reasons) to come back home. I felt that I should wait for Dad's reply, as well, before making a final decision. If he agreed with Travis and Tim, considering how unlikely a response that would be, I should know for certain that I ought to plan the trip. As it turned out, his response, after praying about it was, that he felt that the decision needed to be between me and God, as he felt too far removed from the situation to be able to make give very definite advice.

As I relate these circumstances, Sister, I've only, so far, touched on actions and thought process. You must be aware, I know, that my emotions were neither so orderly nor so under control. There was so much at stake, and I felt that the wrong decision would be detrimental. I was aware that God is able (and does) take the choices that I make, and turn them for His glory, but my heart was not there. All my wisdom urged me to follow the advice of those more mature in judgment than I. But that same wisdom screamed at me that to throw a semester of Korean to the wind was foolishness beyond permission.

After wrestling, with no clarity, for days, I no longer even wanted to come home. You know how much I've put into being able to learn Korean. You know how important it is to me, and how much I've given up, how much pleasure and comfort I've put aside, in order to pursue what I believe with all my heart God has called me to do. To leave the language program half way through, is not merely giving up fluency in Korean, but everything that I've worked toward and thrown myself into for these last two years, and more. Every sacrifice that I've made in the way of loneliness, frugality, discomfort. Failure at that which I'm persuaded God has set before me would be the price I must pay for two months in Oregon. The thought of such an exchange left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I was, through all this, persuaded that God could, and would provide for me, by whatever means, if He asked me to go home. But I was in no way certain that He would do so, if I chose to go back without His sanction, and this left my heart in no little anxiety, because still I hadn't heard from God.

The ticket reservation that I had made, while waiting for direction, was to expire by the weekend, so (since I was communicating with my travel agent via email and everything was slower) I needed now to make my decision immediately.

At this point, I felt that, where my own wisdom failed, it would be foolish to ignore the advise of those whom I've asked to take some rule of authority in my life. As I had no clearer direction for myself, there seemed nothing else to do, but come home.

I decided to pray about it one more time, and then (as a decision must be made), simply choose one of the two options at random. So I got on my knees, and reminded God of His promise, in James 1:5, to give wisdom to the seeker. Immediately, as clearly as if spoken verbally, I heard, "It is wisdom to trust in Me." Simultaneously with those words, came the very clear understanding that my decision wasn't one of circumstance, but one of trust. If I chose to stay here, I would be choosing to trust in my frugality, my resources, to make it as far in Korean as possible. If, on the other hand, I chose to go home, I would be placing myself in the most vulnerable place imaginable, where the above were concerned, and leaving myself nothing on this earth to trust, but God Himself. And in that split second, my decision was made.

Oddly, that decision didn't bring a sense of peace, as I had expected it to. I contacted my travel agent and told her to purchase my ticket, then let everyone concerned know that they would see me in June. But my heart was despondent, and it was all I could do, through the whole of yesterday, to hold back tears that would come, and to pursue my normal activities. I was tired and headachy and cross, and decided this morning that, rather than spend another day so pointlessly dejected, I would pray again, and not leave God's presence until my heart had been calmed by Him.

At first I couldn't stay focused at all. For about an hour or so, my mind wandered pitifully, and at random, until finally God brought to my mind those beautiful verses in Mat 6 about God clothing the lilies of the field, and making provision for the birds. From there, I explored other verses about God's goodness and faithfulness, until I came to Psalm 146:5-6 "Happy is he that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God: Which made heaven, and earth, the sea, and all that therein is: Which keepeth truth for ever."

Sister, is there any comparison to the gentle goodness of God? Remarkable Goodness displayed in His desire to wrest all other dependencies from me. I don't, and probably never will, understand why He takes such trouble to shape and form my life. Why He has so determined to have all my heart, and has diligently and minutely directed and prepared my way. And Remarkable Gentleness displayed in the method He has chosen for accomplishing His work. In what more protective, sustaining way can He have moved than to bring me home, to people who will love, and challenge, and support me? What way more gracious, than to allow me the comfort, for a season, of those dearest to my heart? How carefully He must have worked to bring about this circumstance, which will at once both remove me from my dependencies and self-conceit, all the while coddling my spirit.

The understanding of all this allowed me, finally, the relief of tears, and I find my heart light, today, for the first time in many days.

To conclude: I will come home this summer, and when I get back to Korea, only expect to take one more semester at Sogang. Where God will move me from there is an absolute blank. If He provides, financially, for me to continue, I will be very glad in that. If He ask me drop out of school, He'll probably have to wrestle with me again, but I know He will have His way, because He is determined to have me. All I can count on, for certain, is that He will lead in an entirely unpredictable, and astoundingly brilliant way, so I need not concern myself, at this point, with pointless speculation.


This has ended up being much longer than I had intended. But I don't know how to shorten it, and still include everything. And, somehow, I'm persuaded you won't mind the detail. ^^

I love you, and am wholeheartedly looking forward to seeing you in June!!
Jonny