Naomi,
I've a plane ticket for the 10th of June. I don't know if that's my departure date, arrival date, or (since I'll be crossing the international date line) both. My return flight is set for August 20th, but that's a changeable ticket, so that date is just a tentative guess.
Okay, lets see how much of the history of this last week I can fit into this email, before three o'clock.
Up until just a week ago (the 20th, to be exact), I had been planning, after some prayer (thought none of it very whole-hearted, you know...I think I was more running my already-plans before God, than asking Him what He wanted me to do), on definitely coming home, this summer.
Last Wednesday (did you know that I hate Wednesdays? Always have.) Mom sent me an email, letting me know how much I had in my CD acct. at Sterling. I was startled to find that the CD contained about $8000 less than I'd supposed. Immediately I began looking through and adding up how much I've spent so far, and (based on that) how much more I'll need to complete all six levels at Sogang. As it turned out, even if I decided not to come home, I would only have enough to get through level five. Coming home would cut that down to level four. Which, of course, threw all my plans into absolute confusion.
My first reaction was to cut down on every expense not absolutely essential. Since I already live frugally, the only thing else to do was to turn off my heat and cancel my internet connection (which former I did a week ago, and which latter I'll do this afternoon). Also, of course, I called home, and told them not to be expecting me.
But, even though I didn't have any idea of really coming back, at that point, I found that I couldn't get it out of my heart. I began to pray about it more seriously, and for this last week have been under more pressure and prey to more anxiety than I have since being in Korea this second time.
After a few days of feckless indecision, I wrote an email (at Beka's suggestion, bless her!) to the elders at Camas, which I also forwarded to Sharri and to Dad. In it I stated some of the pros (recuperation, refocus, and preparation for another nine months, as well as the opportunity to get to know the Camas Church better) and cons (lack of resources) of coming home, ending with,
"While I was praying about it, yesterday, it occurred to me that I just don't know enough to be able to make a wise decision. Everything is uncertainty and supposition, and I'm a little bit afraid that my own desires will get in the way of me hearing God clearly, or recognizing what He wants me to do in this case."
Travis and Tim both wrote back, advising me (for their various reasons) to come back home. I felt that I should wait for Dad's reply, as well, before making a final decision. If he agreed with Travis and Tim, considering how unlikely a response that would be, I should know for certain that I ought to plan the trip. As it turned out, his response, after praying about it was, that he felt that the decision needed to be between me and God, as he felt too far removed from the situation to be able to make give very definite advice.
As I relate these circumstances, Sister, I've only, so far, touched on actions and thought process. You must be aware, I know, that my emotions were neither so orderly nor so under control. There was so much at stake, and I felt that the wrong decision would be detrimental. I was aware that God is able (and does) take the choices that I make, and turn them for His glory, but my heart was not there. All my wisdom urged me to follow the advice of those more mature in judgment than I. But that same wisdom screamed at me that to throw a semester of Korean to the wind was foolishness beyond permission.
After wrestling, with no clarity, for days, I no longer even wanted to come home. You know how much I've put into being able to learn Korean. You know how important it is to me, and how much I've given up, how much pleasure and comfort I've put aside, in order to pursue what I believe with all my heart God has called me to do. To leave the language program half way through, is not merely giving up fluency in Korean, but everything that I've worked toward and thrown myself into for these last two years, and more. Every sacrifice that I've made in the way of loneliness, frugality, discomfort. Failure at that which I'm persuaded God has set before me would be the price I must pay for two months in Oregon. The thought of such an exchange left a bitter taste in my mouth.
I was, through all this, persuaded that God could, and would provide for me, by whatever means, if He asked me to go home. But I was in no way certain that He would do so, if I chose to go back without His sanction, and this left my heart in no little anxiety, because still I hadn't heard from God.
The ticket reservation that I had made, while waiting for direction, was to expire by the weekend, so (since I was communicating with my travel agent via email and everything was slower) I needed now to make my decision immediately.
At this point, I felt that, where my own wisdom failed, it would be foolish to ignore the advise of those whom I've asked to take some rule of authority in my life. As I had no clearer direction for myself, there seemed nothing else to do, but come home.
I decided to pray about it one more time, and then (as a decision must be made), simply choose one of the two options at random. So I got on my knees, and reminded God of His promise, in James 1:5, to give wisdom to the seeker. Immediately, as clearly as if spoken verbally, I heard, "It is wisdom to trust in Me." Simultaneously with those words, came the very clear understanding that my decision wasn't one of circumstance, but one of trust. If I chose to stay here, I would be choosing to trust in my frugality, my resources, to make it as far in Korean as possible. If, on the other hand, I chose to go home, I would be placing myself in the most vulnerable place imaginable, where the above were concerned, and leaving myself nothing on this earth to trust, but God Himself. And in that split second, my decision was made.
Oddly, that decision didn't bring a sense of peace, as I had expected it to. I contacted my travel agent and told her to purchase my ticket, then let everyone concerned know that they would see me in June. But my heart was despondent, and it was all I could do, through the whole of yesterday, to hold back tears that would come, and to pursue my normal activities. I was tired and headachy and cross, and decided this morning that, rather than spend another day so pointlessly dejected, I would pray again, and not leave God's presence until my heart had been calmed by Him.
At first I couldn't stay focused at all. For about an hour or so, my mind wandered pitifully, and at random, until finally God brought to my mind those beautiful verses in Mat 6 about God clothing the lilies of the field, and making provision for the birds. From there, I explored other verses about God's goodness and faithfulness, until I came to Psalm 146:5-6 "Happy is he that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God: Which made heaven, and earth, the sea, and all that therein is: Which keepeth truth for ever."
Sister, is there any comparison to the gentle goodness of God? Remarkable Goodness displayed in His desire to wrest all other dependencies from me. I don't, and probably never will, understand why He takes such trouble to shape and form my life. Why He has so determined to have all my heart, and has diligently and minutely directed and prepared my way. And Remarkable Gentleness displayed in the method He has chosen for accomplishing His work. In what more protective, sustaining way can He have moved than to bring me home, to people who will love, and challenge, and support me? What way more gracious, than to allow me the comfort, for a season, of those dearest to my heart? How carefully He must have worked to bring about this circumstance, which will at once both remove me from my dependencies and self-conceit, all the while coddling my spirit.
The understanding of all this allowed me, finally, the relief of tears, and I find my heart light, today, for the first time in many days.
To conclude: I will come home this summer, and when I get back to Korea, only expect to take one more semester at Sogang. Where God will move me from there is an absolute blank. If He provides, financially, for me to continue, I will be very glad in that. If He ask me drop out of school, He'll probably have to wrestle with me again, but I know He will have His way, because He is determined to have me. All I can count on, for certain, is that He will lead in an entirely unpredictable, and astoundingly brilliant way, so I need not concern myself, at this point, with pointless speculation.
This has ended up being much longer than I had intended. But I don't know how to shorten it, and still include everything. And, somehow, I'm persuaded you won't mind the detail. ^^
I love you, and am wholeheartedly looking forward to seeing you in June!!
Jonny
Friday, February 29, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Little Bits and Pieces of my Life
Dear Family,
I hope you are all well!
As for myself, I’m enjoying a short break between semesters. Level 2 has risen, wrestled, and been defeated. One week from now level 3 will raise to the challenge, and attempt success where levels 1 and 2 have failed. That conquered, I will be half way through the language program. Which is baffling to realize!
Meanwhile, I’ve been teaching myself to write with my right hand. From writing so many hours of Korean vocabulary (the most effective way I’ve so far discovered of stimulating memorization), my left hand has begun to cramp and to be rather weak and shaky. I find that icing it for a few hours, after studying, helps a lot, but what a way to spend a cold winter evening! So now I’m training my other hand to obey me, and am happy to be able to report that my right-handed penmanship is becoming stronger and more readable each day.
My head, as well as my hand, is aching for relief, and as a means of clearing from it the cobwebs of Korean, a Chinese classmate and I have begun meeting, once a week, for Chinese lessons. I have been enjoying these heartily, and find them relaxing, since (both of us having busy schedules and full heads) we’re taking it pretty easy. I’ve been amused, however, by the two responses that I generally receive, when I tell my friends of it. In one camp, well wishers are concerned for my sanity, and caution me not to over do it. In the other, I’m unofficially classified ‘genius’, and wondered at from afar. So far, the most rational responses I’ve received have been from the Wilkes and Amy Horn, which is no real surprise, considering our relative situations.
Titus and Ruth: That sounds really good! Do you think we could do it with you?
Amy: Glad to hear about your Chinese lessons...that sounds like a blessing, and a good way to relax your head from Korean.
Namdaemun (Great South Gate), which was South Korea’s No.1 National Treasure (compliments to it having been built in the 1400’s), was set fire to, a few weeks ago, by a disgruntled citizen, who was dissatisfied about the outcome of a decade-old land dispute. It was a shame, and when I first heard news of it, I was floored. There has been so much destruction to Korea, over the years, by other countries, and so little of her history has been preserved, that this senseless damage really upset me. So I called Rebekah, who (having wandered with me through the streets and alleyways of that ungainly market which sprawls at it’s feet) could sympathize with my dismay, and after talking for a little while, felt quite better enough to apply my mind to other things.
There was another fire in this area, a few weeks ago. Standing cold and formidable on the hill behind my house, a public high school caught fire, and proceeded to be consumed. It was late in the afternoon, so there were no crowds of people in the halls, and the fire seemed to catch slowly enough to allow plenty of time for laggards to make good their escape. I was studying, and hadn’t heard the crowds gathering outside my house, from where there was a clear view of the action. Shouting men, and flashing lights aren’t out of the norm enough for them to really claim my attention, so I gave only half an ear, and wasn’t diverted until a siren screamed just outside my window. That surprised me, and throwing on my coat, I stepped on to the front step just in time to witness a fire engine backing up (apparently the driver hadn’t realized that my alley is something of a dead end) to the computer-generated tune of Fur Elise, in lieu of that more generally accepted series of beeps which one would expect to hear in association with the backing up of a large and cumbersome vehicle. My very intimate understanding of the Koreans’ love of bells, whistles and random tunes notwithstanding, this caught me off guard, and regardless of circumstances, I was hard put not to laugh at the absurdity of that pleasant melody warbling imperturbably forth, from such a vehicle and at such a time.
I’ve begun attending a small to medium sized church on the campus of nearby Yonsei University. My attendance is really more a matter of form, than otherwise, as it’s been difficult for me to find my niche among them. They’re trying to form a small group that will meet after services, which I’ll begin attending as a means of getting to know the people there better. Meanwhile, my main source of fellowship comes, rather, from two other small groups, organized by a different church, that meet in my area, one on Thursday evenings, and the other on Fridays. Outside of the time I spend with Titus and Ruth, these evenings are the highlight of my week, stimulating, creative, and challenging. And English. ^^
Yesterday and all last evening it snowed. I was going out to meet some friends, and my first reaction, as I stepped outside, was to reach for my umbrella in imitation of then native inhabitants of this country, to protect myself from becoming white with the world. Stopping myself, I gave a little laugh, left my pink umbrella on it’s accommodating hook, and put on a pair of black gloves instead. It was beautiful snow. It flitted about in perfectly symmetrically flakes, clinging to the bare limbs of the trees, and setting gently on the sidewalks and streets in little flurries. I held my hands up, exulting inside that something so small could have been fashioned be so perfectly. All evening it continued to fall, and I stopped near my house, on my way back home, and patted together a very little snow man (passers-by at first seemed concerned by this irregularity, but when they saw that it was just a foreigner, they exchanged comprehending glances and passed on), which I set on the curb, thinking all the while of Amy Horn, of course.
Well, this email makes up in length, if nothing else, what my last lacked. I enjoy telling you all little bits and pieces of my life on this side of the world, and look forward to hearing back from you...
With much love,
Elisabeth
I hope you are all well!
As for myself, I’m enjoying a short break between semesters. Level 2 has risen, wrestled, and been defeated. One week from now level 3 will raise to the challenge, and attempt success where levels 1 and 2 have failed. That conquered, I will be half way through the language program. Which is baffling to realize!
Meanwhile, I’ve been teaching myself to write with my right hand. From writing so many hours of Korean vocabulary (the most effective way I’ve so far discovered of stimulating memorization), my left hand has begun to cramp and to be rather weak and shaky. I find that icing it for a few hours, after studying, helps a lot, but what a way to spend a cold winter evening! So now I’m training my other hand to obey me, and am happy to be able to report that my right-handed penmanship is becoming stronger and more readable each day.
My head, as well as my hand, is aching for relief, and as a means of clearing from it the cobwebs of Korean, a Chinese classmate and I have begun meeting, once a week, for Chinese lessons. I have been enjoying these heartily, and find them relaxing, since (both of us having busy schedules and full heads) we’re taking it pretty easy. I’ve been amused, however, by the two responses that I generally receive, when I tell my friends of it. In one camp, well wishers are concerned for my sanity, and caution me not to over do it. In the other, I’m unofficially classified ‘genius’, and wondered at from afar. So far, the most rational responses I’ve received have been from the Wilkes and Amy Horn, which is no real surprise, considering our relative situations.
Titus and Ruth: That sounds really good! Do you think we could do it with you?
Amy: Glad to hear about your Chinese lessons...that sounds like a blessing, and a good way to relax your head from Korean.
Namdaemun (Great South Gate), which was South Korea’s No.1 National Treasure (compliments to it having been built in the 1400’s), was set fire to, a few weeks ago, by a disgruntled citizen, who was dissatisfied about the outcome of a decade-old land dispute. It was a shame, and when I first heard news of it, I was floored. There has been so much destruction to Korea, over the years, by other countries, and so little of her history has been preserved, that this senseless damage really upset me. So I called Rebekah, who (having wandered with me through the streets and alleyways of that ungainly market which sprawls at it’s feet) could sympathize with my dismay, and after talking for a little while, felt quite better enough to apply my mind to other things.
There was another fire in this area, a few weeks ago. Standing cold and formidable on the hill behind my house, a public high school caught fire, and proceeded to be consumed. It was late in the afternoon, so there were no crowds of people in the halls, and the fire seemed to catch slowly enough to allow plenty of time for laggards to make good their escape. I was studying, and hadn’t heard the crowds gathering outside my house, from where there was a clear view of the action. Shouting men, and flashing lights aren’t out of the norm enough for them to really claim my attention, so I gave only half an ear, and wasn’t diverted until a siren screamed just outside my window. That surprised me, and throwing on my coat, I stepped on to the front step just in time to witness a fire engine backing up (apparently the driver hadn’t realized that my alley is something of a dead end) to the computer-generated tune of Fur Elise, in lieu of that more generally accepted series of beeps which one would expect to hear in association with the backing up of a large and cumbersome vehicle. My very intimate understanding of the Koreans’ love of bells, whistles and random tunes notwithstanding, this caught me off guard, and regardless of circumstances, I was hard put not to laugh at the absurdity of that pleasant melody warbling imperturbably forth, from such a vehicle and at such a time.
I’ve begun attending a small to medium sized church on the campus of nearby Yonsei University. My attendance is really more a matter of form, than otherwise, as it’s been difficult for me to find my niche among them. They’re trying to form a small group that will meet after services, which I’ll begin attending as a means of getting to know the people there better. Meanwhile, my main source of fellowship comes, rather, from two other small groups, organized by a different church, that meet in my area, one on Thursday evenings, and the other on Fridays. Outside of the time I spend with Titus and Ruth, these evenings are the highlight of my week, stimulating, creative, and challenging. And English. ^^
Yesterday and all last evening it snowed. I was going out to meet some friends, and my first reaction, as I stepped outside, was to reach for my umbrella in imitation of then native inhabitants of this country, to protect myself from becoming white with the world. Stopping myself, I gave a little laugh, left my pink umbrella on it’s accommodating hook, and put on a pair of black gloves instead. It was beautiful snow. It flitted about in perfectly symmetrically flakes, clinging to the bare limbs of the trees, and setting gently on the sidewalks and streets in little flurries. I held my hands up, exulting inside that something so small could have been fashioned be so perfectly. All evening it continued to fall, and I stopped near my house, on my way back home, and patted together a very little snow man (passers-by at first seemed concerned by this irregularity, but when they saw that it was just a foreigner, they exchanged comprehending glances and passed on), which I set on the curb, thinking all the while of Amy Horn, of course.
Well, this email makes up in length, if nothing else, what my last lacked. I enjoy telling you all little bits and pieces of my life on this side of the world, and look forward to hearing back from you...
With much love,
Elisabeth
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Being in Touch
2/7
Dear Family,
It is far too long ago that I last wrote. It’s kind of tough getting back into the swing of things, after having been so royally entertained with first my sister’s company, and then with Amy’s. I find that I’ve begun to let things fall behind, and have a difficult time applying my mind to things that were before simple matters. Talking to my sister, the other day, I laughingly described it as ‘post-company syndrome’ and suppose that pretty accurately sums it up. But I know that moping won’t help me to get back into the swing of things, so today I gave myself a mental shake, rolled up my sleeves, and put myself to work.. Work is always therapeutic.
So are game rooms. I hadn’t wanted to go to Bible study, last Friday evening. After having frustrated myself to the point of tears over evasive Korean expressions, I wanted nothing more than to lie down on my bed, and never move again. But, supposing it would be a good thing for me to get some fresh air (it being nearly a half-hour walk to my destination) and to interact a bit with others, I bundled myself up and took myself off. Excellent intentions notwithstanding, I couldn’t rouse my thoughts to engage in what was toward, and don’t suppose I said two words together. Instead, quietly sipping a latte, my mind, belying my erect position, slept. Our group broke up at ten o’clock, and I would have headed home, had some brilliant individual not suggested heading over to a game room. I decided to join them for a short time, at least, and we all made our way up the street. The atmosphere of a game room is much like that of a coffee shop, warm and small, with lots of tables and comfy (or not quite) chairs. We entered, sat, and after a cursory glance at the game menu, opted for Speed Scrabble. I began to wake up, and by the time we had done with that and moved on to other games, I was fully alert and enjoying myself thoroughly. We didn’t leave until past midnight, and by that time I felt entirely restored to my normal self, and was persuaded that few things (if any) hold a candle to a good game with good friends!
2/10
The Chinese New Year came and went over this last week, and I turned 25 with it. In Korea, Lunar New Year is not only the biggest holiday of the year, but it’s also the day that everyone adds a number to his age. Start with the fact a child is considered a year old at birth, and it can get really complicated really fast. One year at birth, and another added on New Years Day means that babies born on the 6th of this month are already two years old. As inaccurate as this system is, Koreans don’t usually exchange ages, but birth years. In reply to “How old are you?” the common reply is “I was born in 19__.”
Only one more week of class to go before finals. I’ll be happy to be done with level two, so that I can tackle level three. Learning is frustrating, sometimes. I have a lot of knowledge in my head, but don’t feel like I’m really able to make it very applicable. I know all of the material that we’ve covered so far, but I can’t make it happen when I need to. I find myself reverting to baby-talk when I’m on the spot, then slapping my head later for not having spoken as I ought to have been able to. I know I just need more practice. I need to hang out with more Koreans who don’t speak any English. Most of my Korean friends are bi-lingual, and we end up communicating in my language, because it’s smoother that way.
Well, I feel like this email is a little bit choppy, and neither very interesting nor very communicative. I’ve been pretty tired lately, and have had a hard time making my mind engage. But I wanted to be in touch, and to give you all a brief update on how things are going.
I’ll write again soon; meanwhile I pray God’s blessings on you,
Elisabeth
Dear Family,
It is far too long ago that I last wrote. It’s kind of tough getting back into the swing of things, after having been so royally entertained with first my sister’s company, and then with Amy’s. I find that I’ve begun to let things fall behind, and have a difficult time applying my mind to things that were before simple matters. Talking to my sister, the other day, I laughingly described it as ‘post-company syndrome’ and suppose that pretty accurately sums it up. But I know that moping won’t help me to get back into the swing of things, so today I gave myself a mental shake, rolled up my sleeves, and put myself to work.. Work is always therapeutic.
So are game rooms. I hadn’t wanted to go to Bible study, last Friday evening. After having frustrated myself to the point of tears over evasive Korean expressions, I wanted nothing more than to lie down on my bed, and never move again. But, supposing it would be a good thing for me to get some fresh air (it being nearly a half-hour walk to my destination) and to interact a bit with others, I bundled myself up and took myself off. Excellent intentions notwithstanding, I couldn’t rouse my thoughts to engage in what was toward, and don’t suppose I said two words together. Instead, quietly sipping a latte, my mind, belying my erect position, slept. Our group broke up at ten o’clock, and I would have headed home, had some brilliant individual not suggested heading over to a game room. I decided to join them for a short time, at least, and we all made our way up the street. The atmosphere of a game room is much like that of a coffee shop, warm and small, with lots of tables and comfy (or not quite) chairs. We entered, sat, and after a cursory glance at the game menu, opted for Speed Scrabble. I began to wake up, and by the time we had done with that and moved on to other games, I was fully alert and enjoying myself thoroughly. We didn’t leave until past midnight, and by that time I felt entirely restored to my normal self, and was persuaded that few things (if any) hold a candle to a good game with good friends!
2/10
The Chinese New Year came and went over this last week, and I turned 25 with it. In Korea, Lunar New Year is not only the biggest holiday of the year, but it’s also the day that everyone adds a number to his age. Start with the fact a child is considered a year old at birth, and it can get really complicated really fast. One year at birth, and another added on New Years Day means that babies born on the 6th of this month are already two years old. As inaccurate as this system is, Koreans don’t usually exchange ages, but birth years. In reply to “How old are you?” the common reply is “I was born in 19__.”
Only one more week of class to go before finals. I’ll be happy to be done with level two, so that I can tackle level three. Learning is frustrating, sometimes. I have a lot of knowledge in my head, but don’t feel like I’m really able to make it very applicable. I know all of the material that we’ve covered so far, but I can’t make it happen when I need to. I find myself reverting to baby-talk when I’m on the spot, then slapping my head later for not having spoken as I ought to have been able to. I know I just need more practice. I need to hang out with more Koreans who don’t speak any English. Most of my Korean friends are bi-lingual, and we end up communicating in my language, because it’s smoother that way.
Well, I feel like this email is a little bit choppy, and neither very interesting nor very communicative. I’ve been pretty tired lately, and have had a hard time making my mind engage. But I wanted to be in touch, and to give you all a brief update on how things are going.
I’ll write again soon; meanwhile I pray God’s blessings on you,
Elisabeth
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
